So now we have plans to see each other next week. I woke up this morning with an anger about my relationship with him that was so fierce that I thought f-it. This is dumb. No more games. I need to be the daughter I want to be not for him but for me. In other words, he will never change and I cannot make him be the father I want so I will be the kind of daughter I want to be. Amen.
I think of what my favorite yoga teacher always used to say when we would be in a pose that was so hard you wished you could fall down and never take class again..."Lay down your arms...just lay them down...if not now, when?"
2 comments:
You're getting there, Hannah, bit by bit, step by step, internal struggle by internal struggle, pissed off fit by pissed off fit, you are definitely getting there!
Here's the thing: YOU believe parents should always be there for their children, unconditionally, forever, no matter what -- that is what good parents do. Your father sees the role of parents differently. The trick is, you happen to be related, with all the expectations and baggage every family has. So what do you do?
Thanks so much for sharing your thought process as you go through this -- it is both fascinating and inspiring. And keep on trucking --I think you are SO close to finding an answer you can live with. Good luck!
I'm glad you seem to be getting closer to a resolution - your own resolution, not your father's.
Is he a narcissist? If he can only think in terms of himself then perhaps he'll never "get it" about being a parent. If so, then you may have to say to yourself, "It is what it is." and make a personal peace with it. If he doesn't see himself as doing anything wrong, then he probably won't ever change his MO.
In a way, if it's true that he doesn't think he's being a bad father, then he's not really doing anything to hurt you. I hope that makes sense to you?
At the very least, you and Mike have a clear example of how NOT to conduct your parenthood.
Mazel tov!
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